D.I.Y. Surgery

I'm looking at a letter from a specialist in oral and maxillofacial surgery, which was sent to me a couple of years ago.

The letter says.

Diagnosis:

Haemangioma tongue tip excised by patient at home.

Management: 

discharged.

It all started the year before, when I noticed a lump on my tongue, and as it grew larger, and interfered with my eating, I made an appointment with my doctor.

Waiting months to see a specialist was more than I could stomach, so I sterilised a pair of nail scissors and cut it off.

I put the offending piece of tissue in a small jar in the freezer, and when my appointment became due, I gave it to the surgeon and asked him if he could have it tested.

Fortunately, it was benign. However, within a few months it had grown back. 

I had been warned that I may not have cut the root out, which turned out to be true, so the second time I made sure to cut clean and deep.

I was prepared for a lot of blood, so I had two packs of sterile dressings ready, and after the deed was done (which was excruciatingly painful) I stuffed my mouth with dressings and lay on the bed for half an hour.

I thought to myself, if my grandfather Moses could get up from the dinner table with a toothache, and then go down to the garden shed and pull the offending molar out with a pair of pliers, then what was a snip with scissors in comparison?

When the time came for my second appointment. I was sent to a different hospital and the surgeon was quite surprised to see that there was no scarring or indication of recurrence.

She said that she had never known anyone exercise a Haemangioma themselves before. She asked how painful it was, because an anaesthetic was usually administered.

I said – excruciatingly painful, but it had to be done, as when I was eating, I kept getting a mouthful of blood through biting on it.

I did offer it to Pushkin, 

but he declined - probably just as well to know that he wasn't into human flesh!